Instead of creating several mini-posts about random thoughts-on-motherhood, I'll update them here in no particular order. Because, well, in motherhood, there is no particular order.
Pregnancy: I had my gestational diabetes screening a couple weeks before Christmas. I told my unborn daughter that we did not want gestational diabetes because we really wanted Christmas cookies. She listened.
Motherhood: There's no learning curve. It's an oily vertical wall and you have have no option but to get over it.
Motherhood: What they don't tell you in those childhood education classes is that your new baby wasn't listening and didn't read all of the books you absorbed. She doesn't care that she's supposed to be on 12 different schedules according to temperature, time zones and atmospheric pressure. She's going to do what she wants, when she wants. Deal with it.
Continued: Also what they don't tell you - latching for breastfeeding is entirely different with a squirming, screaming bundle of wiggle. Practice dolls are nice but completely unrealistic. Also, while breastfeeding is a recommended option, your child will not fail at life or never have a shot at a Nobel Prize if it doesn't work for the two of you.
How to send a mom into panic: If you rock your baby to sleep, then you'll have to do it for the rest of his life. Probably, you'll have to go to college with him (that is, if he gets in) to rock him to sleep there. Too bad you didn't read 20 recommended books on how to do it.
Motherhood caution: When feeding solid food for the first few times, you may be tempted to use airplane noises to encourage participation in eating. Tread carefully. I don't know how you make airplane noises, but I put my two lips together and blow. My daughter watched a few times, giggled obligingly and proceeded to try it, too. With green beans in her mouth. Don't use airplane noises if you don't want a dinner misting of green beans and oatmeal. Train noises have worked okay so far...
Possible book titles on motherhood/parenthood:
Motherhood: "The Oldest Profession in the Book"
Parenthood: "Flat-Ass Broke and Bat-Shit Crazy"
Nap time is sacred. Period.
Sleep deprivation and parenthood make you think some strange things: while sitting on our deck, Little E and I looked up at a noise that didn't quite resemble an airplane, or a helicopter, or even Superman. Honestly, it sounded like a spaceship (or what Hollywood has led me to believe spaceships sound like). My first thought: "Ok, if it is a spaceship, do I take Little E with me (do they have formula?), or do I leave her here on the deck and hope that Hubby finds her ok when he gets back from work?" When the "threat" passed I actually continued the debate in my head before, several minutes and counter-points later, I realized the futility....several minutes later...debating an alien abduction and what my role as a parent should be...several. minutes. later.
Election policy at our house: If your generic, informal, I'm-a-great-person- vote-for-me, election phone call wakes Little E from her nap, I will not vote for you. Ever. I may even vote for your opponent. Yes, I realize this is short-sighted you would be too if your eyelids were drooping so low they couldn't really be classified as open. Still, this is the policy.